The last entry in this blog was nearly four months ago, in December. Shortly after that, I received a quote from the hotel and was getting ready to sign it and put down a deposit. As is right and proper, I asked for divine guidance before committing- in this case cleromancy using coins while praying and making offerings to Hermes.
The results were confusing and troubling. In essence, I was told that the dates and location were satisfactory, but that something was giving offense to the gods interested in the conference. I put off booking the hotel and tried to understand.
It took calling in some “big guns” (experienced diviners with much better signal clarity) to seek more complete answers and help me interpret the message.
The problem wasn’t the date or the hotel, it was me. In particular, my state of mind at the time was incompatible with the reality of the situation. Because of other stressors in my life, I held unreasonable expectations of what might be possible for a first-year convention. While I certainly have the knowledge, I don’t have the resources or clout to achieve the standard of “success” I was setting for myself.
It was a standard that was about convincing myself of my competence. It was not a standard established by the gods. It was a standard others I respect had warned me to be wary of.
Yet, we live in a society where your career is your worth- not just financially, but ethically or morally. We are surrounded by a culture that happily throws away the lives of the poor based on notions of human worth derived almost entirely from career success and wealth. Even when we actively reject that meme complex, it pervades our world and others try to force it upon us.
This is one of my core struggles. All my life, I’ve been told that I’m extremely intelligent, but culturally, my lack of career and material success says otherwise. Our overculture’s poisonous assertion that failure is deservedly earned through moral weakness and incompetence infects my thinking and eats away at my self-worth and resolve. Even knowing this and intentionally rejecting this disease, it feeds on my id and sickens my ego- driving my superego to demand more and more counterevidence.
Knowing that my life was headed for additional disruptions (a job layoff, at the very least), I now believe that They wisely directed me to take a hiatus from planning and to focus on my own inner health.
Friday morning, I received what I interpret as confirmation of that. Immediately before waking fully and clearly, I dreamt of a chaotic start to a polytheist leadership conference with less than half the people I was expecting. I dreamt of random attendees stepping up and filling voids, like creating a sign-in sheet or finding chairs for others.
Most importantly, it was not a nightmare or an embarrassment dream. It simply felt appropriate… right somehow. The message was clear- “This is enough. It can be more later, but for now, this is enough.”
I’m still struggling through finding a new job and getting finances back on track. However, I am hopeful that this message indicates a turning point and that soon I will be fit to resume planning.
-In Deos Confidimus
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